Aquaman - 50 Scattered thoughts / A review / Reactions... who knows.

First off and diving straight in, I pre-judged this movie in the best possible way. Basically, because I'm just like every other despo woman with eyes I was ready for a couple of hours of Jason Momoa and everything he brings to the Atlantis party. Alex however, was ready to geek out on everything that (BRB I'm just googling what franchise this guy is from) DC has to offer in this buff mermaid world.

Now let me just warn you,  I'm a fan yes... Am I a knowledgeable fan? NO.
So sit back relax and be prepared for the fact that there are spoilers here so stop reading if you haven't seen it. Comic book lovers and people that really get off on this shit everywhere will potentially hate my corner of the internet after this (If they/you didn't already).

1. Ok opening scenes... Jason Momoa has been no stranger to professing his love for Temuera Morrison and no time was wasted shoving some jokes in there.

"I was gonna make you some eggs" well I lost the plot laughing and very loudly may I add... I had to watch this in Australia so naturally, I was the only one laughing but touche kiwis for slipping in some Jake the muss for good measure! For all of those lost on this joke, google "jake the muss eggs" and you'll be met with some famous New Zealand film work, Aquaman's dad and not a Hobbit in sight.
2. Next, we jump to the aquarium scene... this one has been bashed all through the trailers but you bloody better believe that ill be testing to see if I'm part mer-person when I'm at SEA LIFE Melbourne next (highly recommend btw).

3. "Permission to come aboard" no sweeter words have ever been spoken out of his mouth... and yes sir... sure thang... at this point, we are 5 mins in and Alex has already told me to shut up. Its gonna be a long movie for the big guy.

4. Goodness me all these Maori customs and greetings and sippy cup references, did anyone else have a sippy cup for wine in their younger years? or was it just me 'Liability Barb' (my alter-ego) who came out at festivals?

5. Right now jumping to the father and son happy to kill anyone in their sight for fun then are butt hurt when someone tries to defend them and scratches them up pretty bad... How is this Arthur's fault? Y'all come onto someone else's submarine, act like a real dick and then get mad when a superhero sends y'all to time out... Underwater... Indefinitely. Thankyou, next.

6. Catching our first look at the setup under ze water. OHHHH SEAHORSIES big ass Seahorsies. I really hate that my autocorrect keeps trying to correct that to 'seahorses'.

7. King Orm/Not even a real king #justsaying

8. I can just imagine flight attendants all around the world googling him for tutorials on that sleek updo he does with his hair... instantly all my Qantas and Air NZ friends came to mind when I saw him behind. He's keeping shit tight.

9. Now bloody Orm goes and sends a giant wave to upset matters.

10. Firstly I think its great he gave humans back all their sea trash, a nice and not so subtle way of reminding me I'm a jerk for not remembering my metal straw for this viewing occasion.

11. Secondly, you just know if he was human he would be that asshole that splashes people while they are trying to enter swimming water slowly because its cold, New Zealanders swimming in summer before February will know exactly what I'm talking about. What an ass!

12. That giant wave scene gave me the creeps, I have dreams of giant waves like this so often... anyone who knows what this means, pretty please message me telling me my google diagnosis of my dream. TIA

Post-wave feels
13. Atlantian CPR is the tits!

14. Anyone else used to seeing Willem Dafoe (Vulko) play an asshole? I find it hard to trust him... we shall see on this. "Bailee he's a good guy"

Hmm, we get to see Atlantis a little bit more now, so a few things:

15. The bridge, why do you need a bridge if you are underwater and can swim anywhere? Sah confused.

16. Also, I had to ask Alex if this was somewhat related to Thor's bridgearooni that he had before his sister was a right troll about things. I don't know why he needed to be so sensitive about it, "Wrong fucking franchise Bailee" this is like the time I asked if Star Wars and Startrek are like a sequel or prequel type situation... They aren't if you were wondering.

17. Ok so OG Atlantis fell into the sea because everyone was too advanced and some egg blew a fuse in their technology, poorly planned city if you ask me and im not sure why the king needed to have a big ol' sulk.

18. Present day Atlantis palace decor looks like the latest K-dash Christmas Eve party. This is gonna be another thing Kanye claims he invented. Leather joggers and all white interiors.

19. Lastly on Atlantis stuff. All these advancements in technology and ways of living and y'all are still arranging marriages. OK

Moving on with the movie...

20. The Manta montage of him psyching himself up is a bit much, needs the eye of tiger track in the background to take full effect.

21. All these water soldiers doing evil shit for Orm. Corrupt AF.

Anyway, we really want Momoa, don't we?

22. So cut to the scene where he and Amber Heard are emerging from the ocean... These two are like the prized couple returning to Ex on the beach. Where's the tablet of terror? Who is waiting for them? The villa is gonna go fucking nuts for them.

23. Then they make that weird puzzle machine thing run off Arthur's sweat... thats both gross and hot all at the same time. Alex tells me to shutup again after this comment.

24. So back to Manta now, he reappears with his new suit of sulky evil. Dude spray paints it black... not sure why he needed to do that and now all I see is bug eyed Wakanda forever mate.
"Bailee wrong fucking franchise"... but is it though? is it actually?

25. Looking at an epic Italian location and in my opinion, the fight scene that resonates with all women across the globe. Mera is being all mermaid cool and running all over the show to get away from the worst bloody sea soldiers and gets a fair wack and lands in.... wait for it.... a wine shop.
Thats right ladies she lands in possibly what can only be described as a safe haven. It doesnt matter how bad her day gets, she still landed in a wine shop and basically taught every viewer not to mess with a bitch and her bottles.

26. So far I have learnt 2 really important life lessons. Dont kill pirate Dads and dont mess with a mermaid in a wine shop.

27. Also is it just me or does Mera just look like a Badass Ariel the little mermaid? "Not the same person Bailee, let it go"

28. Right, so Aquaman and Ariel dive down into Alien vs Predator type waters and come out on land? that seems to be under the water? I didn't say these ones out loud because I sensed this wasn't the most fun Alex has ever had.

29. These arent the real questions, my main question... are those dinosaurs now?

30. Nicole Kidman is a waterbeast now! Shes in mad need of a tangle teaser and in all honesty a pixie cut to start again...and she lives with dinosaurs. I cant!

31. The trident scene and the brown brother from the sea is being met with some Harry Potter mudblood attitude from that snobby sea monster... calm down squid thing and let the kid have a  crack at the fork please. "Stop crossing over different worlds"

32. Ok, as hes going to grab the fork/trident I got mad anxiety. Literally, we know this has to end in a certain type of way but at this point, the guy has had some bad luck and a dark part of me wanted to see him struggle a bit more. Real pleasure pain shit.

33. Now, King Orm, this douche canoe is really testing me with his five head and shitty attitude.

34. When he's addressing everyone to go to war he honestly sounds like Ursula the sea witch and look how that ended for her... In fact, I swear some of these are a crossover even though at this point I'm too scared to approach the situation with Al... he's off it.

35. Back to bae... What do you suppose is better than ol mate Jason shirtless or wet for 90% of a movie... him gold plated and buff AF! To think the original series Aquaman is white and less likely to capitivate the mother of dragons. "Stop"

36. Right, so the fight scene where Orm is super pissed that babes has the gold get up and new pitchfork. Its a bit of a war, Orm is all trumpy on the fact that humans are shitty and keep killing and ruining his ocean... So he kills a bunch of wildlife just trying to get everyone on side. Cool story mate.

37. HOLY MOLY,  Jason has a pet Lava Crab Octopus thing... Y'all are fucked.

38. Legit this is some Pacific Rim thing... they also come from the deep. I see a connection. "NO"

39. So if everyone can just chill for 2 seconds for the standard love story to come on through. Imagine having a kiss and a grope (with Jason Momoa) in a war... underwater. Still hot.

40. Orm coming in rather cocky even though Arthur is basically owning him at this point. That's confidence.

41. Ok, so muscles wins a fight with his annoying little brother by doing some fork spinning technique he learnt as a little kid... fair. A Chinese burn and a tit punch worked well on my sister.

End of the movie.

42. Mama Mermaid comes back and freaks everyone out... Orm, you are so motherfucken grounded! And Jake the muss is gonna be so stoked he doesn't have to keep heading to that same spot to be disappointed. Took ya time love.

43. And lastly the post credit scene, we need to talk about how many of the idiots go and see these movies and still don't know to stick around for the post credit. Even I know that.

44. But how did that bug eye tosser survive this crap?

45. This movie was a 8.73/10 would bang.

46.  Alex will give it a 'Fresh' on Rotton Tomatoes (You wish you worked for them babes).

47. On IMDB this movie is tagged with "Bare-chested male" how accurate haha

48. Jason Momoa says he resonated with kiwi culture, so much so that he thinks New Zealand is entwined in his heritage...  I get it... that's nice but also I'm scared of just how tight we as a nation will grip onto claiming him now. We can be a little embarrassing.

49. How do they keep their hair so nice? My hair gets one particle of sea air and I have dreads.

50. Do DC and Marvel ever cross over? Serious question.

The end

Let me know what you thought of it too xoxo

FiveFootFollow me @fivefootnothingau

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