Cheer up Charlie

So I'm not one for touchy feely crap in this forum... and don't worry you won't get much of it from me tonight but this week has outlined one thing... at times like this I'm a hot mess of a cliché.

I received some crappy news earlier this week (tiny violins blah blah) that now looks more like a blessing, but from the word "Go" its like i have become the hungry caterpillar, the seafood diet has hit me in a big way and I'm just a total treat!

So this is my documented stages of 'The harden up process' i have adopted... get ready for my brain.

• When its awkward make it light: By light i mean i make things so damn funny i chuckle myself right out the room, soften that blow girl! its like flight or flee... only you know you can't flee that fast in heals and instead fighting you basically stare your enemy in the eye and lol like you drew a peen on their face with a sharpie... yes that's a perfect response.

NOT

Look princess time to recover as gracefully as you just fell

• Live in Quotes: To quote The Other woman "Time to get your ducks in a row" thats right pull your shit together and gather those thoughts of sadness, murder and destruction (Sorry, i was born in the latest of 80s and raised through the 90s- i feel stuff in extremes). Time to take that emotion right out of the that bomb of news and weight things out. This concept basically turned into me going home early and splashing my insides with glorious wine, followed by a bottle of coke even though i said i wasn't drinking the stuff anymore and then i continued to rant to my partner for an hour before he had a lucky escape... don't worry after he left i moved onto plotting revenge with my darling doggie (who totally gets me) for the rest of my night where i finally came to slumber on top of my bed... fully clothed... surrounded in popcorn that missed my mouth and drifting off to gossip girl while taking notes off Blair Waldorf (honestly thats the longest sentence ever)... so to quote The other woman again "thats not getting you ducks in a row, thats throwing your ducks in a wood chipper"

Oops, I'm not entirely sorry about it though.

• Get a grip: So waking up late from a bender with my mind, its time to get dressed for the reality i call "work" (seriously who invented this concept?) and what better way to up my mood than putting on a dress so beautiful and expensive that its says "I'm better than you... I'm above this... and I'm wearing flats and I'm still above this"... I'm not entirely sure if everyone in the room heard my dress talking to them today... but he did (HE:all my clothes are male BTW). Time to gather the thoughts that don't stamp crazy on your file, take the advise from the smart people you collect on your journey and chuck on those big girl panties and move forward... i actually did this... i think (reality is a slippery sucker).

Mid drama i switch gears... get ready for a dreadful moment.

• Become the beast: When under pressure i turned into my mother, if she's reading this I'm headed for a slap for that statement (if i never write on here again, she has a pool and i will probably be found under it- come find me, burry my Chanel with my remains)... the one thing i used to die over when i was a kid, i now embody when its time to go into battle... the strong independent woman came out to play, turns out a scorned woman knows her shit, or her 'people collection' do, stamp that shit out and leave no doubts in peoples minds... what you see is what you get. Sometimes having awkward conversations is fun when you realise you are the calmest person in the circle... you are basically holding the talking stick.... FUN

Ok time to land semi-comfortably

• Thats what she said:  In and out... thats the way! so as swiftly as i walked in and captivated a less than impressed audience (i won't say its my delivery that lacked but more my feedback i had was brutal)... its now time for my great escape... the runway is only as magical as its last possible seconds so the exits needs to be beautiful... mine was not... i got pompous and let that ego ride on its stallion right out that room! Honestly some days i swear if i had my Partners 7ft body and athletic build y'all would be screwed... mixing that strength with my ego and temperament i think could result in a hulk smash.

Back to the splash

• Rinse and repeat: Ok why does everything end in wine? i found myself watching my clock flick onto 11.11am and feeling like i need the grape... then by 1.11pm i had sunk half a bottle... really all i have learnt is that this repetitive 1 business really is a lucky thing for me... some people speculate but i just know! naturally its not socially acceptable to do this part of the process on your own more than once...  so incoming! The round table is on the way, hairdressers, bloggers and beauticians unite... the debrief commences and the great grape draught may have just become a thing on the north shore today... don't worry we left the cask wine.

Its time for the end of my first clash of the titans train wreck

• Guilty Pleasures: To finish a hell of all hells (for dramatic purposes) its time to finish the harden up process the only way i see fit. I have re-watched the 2 seasons of The carrie diaries, polished off 2 donuts, a bottle of wine and fed myself cheeseburgers and cereal for dinner (milo cereal if you must know)... spoken to my dog all afternoon about my concerns of my future and even provided him with a cute human voice of reply... written 3 blog posts and deleted them before finally settling on this, cleaned the house and changed the sheets (as thats what bitches in control do)... now realising this rant has taken me well into the glorious hour of 2am... i should put this mother of a day to rest and hopefully welcome a kinder day into my being.

Its days like this i wish i smoked... but i like spending my money on clothes, hate the smell of smoke and respect my temple all too much.

So to quote my darling man

"Harden up princess!"

B.x